Some people will never understand!

So lately I've had a lot of people say to me "Are you married?" or "Do you have kids?" "Are you dating? Why not?" I know it's just "making conversation" but it is one if the hardest conversations to have multiple times a day where I work with new patients every 30 min or so or even family members or people you haven't seen in awhile. Its not that I don't want to be married or have kids, in fact it's what I want more than anything in this world!!!! It's just not my time, for some freaking reason I will never understand! It sucks being the only one out of all my friends not married, dating, or engaged and as truly happy as I am for them it is still hard to sit home every weekend wishing I had something to do or someone to go hang out with. I have amazing friends who invite me go with them and there significant other and it is my insecurities of thinking "People will think I'm just the 3rd wheel?"" or "What will people think when they see me with them all the time and never having anyone?" So I don't go. It's not that I'm being picky or shallow I'm just not going to settle for the wrong guy. The hardest part that people don't understand is when you don't want to go but have to force yourself to go on a date when you get asked because you are so scared of being hurt or being lead on, which happens a lot! But the worst part is when you get asked and the guy doesn't show up, but doesn't just show up doesn't call or text to say he isn't coming and your sitting there like a complete idiot, but having to put on a "I don't care" face so people won't know how bad it hurts! I have over heard many conversations from guys who say "I want a girl who is fit and hot" well guess what they don't always keep that body after your married so good luck with that!! At this point in my life the "pool" gets smaller and more and more dirtbags come out. I've gotten to the point when I do get asked out I don't even want to say yes because most the time they cancel or just don't show. Nothing bugs me more than hearing people say "so are you dating anyone" and when you reply no they can't just leave it at that they have to throw there two sense in and say things like "Why not?" Or "You need to put yourself out there more" it is all I can do to not blow up on them and say "Kiss my a$$ I try." I've had many people tell me you just need to go to church and the activities and it will happen. Well how is it going to happen there when every freaking Sunday yu sit by yourself in every meeting?!? It's not that I don't talk to people, I try talking to lots but every Sunday I get there sit down put my purse on the ground and watch people walk past me and sit in sacrament and relief society, but yet there i sit by myself. So what do I do now I hardly want to go. I want to go back to my moms ward because I know there I will have someone to sit by every week and I won't be alone and embarrassed that I'm sitting alone. I don't go to activities because why would I go just to be alone when I can stay in the comfort of my own home and not have to be embarrassed that I'm there alone and have no one to sit by or talk to. I always thought that the "clique stage" would end after high school but I guess I was wrong about that too. I don't write this blog for people to feel bad for me I write it because people don't realize when they ask "why aren't you dating?" How hard it is sometime that it's all I can do to not cry or blow up on them!!! I write it because people don't realize that as simple as the questions might be, the response they give you when you say no is hard to hear every time! One of the dentists where I work asked me If I was married or dating anyone?" When I said no his response was perfect he didn't give me a lecture about "putting myself out there" he just simply said "well when it's your time The Lord will lead you both to each other" and left it at that. I wish so badly that people would leave it with that, but for some reason people can't. All I can say is when you ask someone if they are dating or married when they say no don't do the typical thing and make them feel worse. There has been countless nights that all I pray for is the comfort to help me through those days because I see people who live in sin and have what I want more then anything in this world, someone to call mine and a family/kids of my own. When I do everything I'm supposed to be doing and yet it still doesn't happen, for a reason I will never understand. So the next time you ask someone "Are you dating anyone or married?" And they say no put yourself in there shoes and THINK before you respond because that person maybe struggling with the fact that they aren't dating or married or having kids when that's all they really want!!

The most important thing in life = the Gospel!!

So in October I was offered a job at Bank of American Fork. I was so excited my brother Cooper works there and LOVES it. I was so excited to start a job with this company I could start a career with. When I started with the bank my cousin told me "everyone in that department hates LDS people. Don let them know your LDS." So I thought "okay that’s weird though." So I would go everyday and do my job the best I could. My boss pulled me in her office one day and said "I was doing a great job and that after I finished learning the job I was hired to do she was going to give me a promotion and it would give me a 2-3 dollar raise. I was so excited I thought okay they like me and I'm doing a good job. I hurried home from work that day to tell my mom and dad they were excited as well. Well just before Christmas I had had enough of them trashing the church so I prayed one morning asking Heavenly Father for the Strength to stand up to them. I went in and as they started to trash the church I stood up and said "I am LDS please do not trash that religion." and sat down. The rest of the day was so awkward and you could feel the tension. From that point on it was horrible. Just after that i got the flu worse than I have ever gotten it before. I missed 3 days of work and when I came back my boss had changed all the processes of how to do things but I was never informed. she pulled me into her office and told me I was dong things wrong and that the promotion she had told me I was going to get was gone. I was devastated. Then work would come up missing and I knew I had done it but didn’t know where it was going. Then I figured out when I was leaving for lunch one of the girls I worked with was going over and hiding it on her desk then my boss would get mad because I couldn’t give it to her. After that my boss moved my desk right next to her office so she could hear everything I was saying to people and all my emails went to her email too so she could see what I was writing to people. (I felt like an elementary school kid getting in trouble with the teacher.) My aunt worked for the same Bank. When she would call she would always say "thank you sweetheart" at the end of the conversion (she wasn’t the only one to do that either.) Well that made the others mad/jealous so my boss sent out an email saying "you are not to call my employees Sweetheart" at this point I was in disbelief at what I was witnessing. I thought how can 5 grown women and 1 grown man act like this and nothing be done. I talked to Cooper one day in tears I had had enough he sent me to talk to the manager at the Orem branch. She was so nice and after I told her what was going on she asked if she could go get the Regional Manager I said "sure". He came in and I told him what was going on and he told me he wanted me to meet with the Banks attorney and HR. Well HR and my boss were best friends. So before I could get in to talk to them HR had already talked to my boss and had decided to write me up saying "I didn’t know how to do my job." the Attorney was mad. He wanted it investigated and it to stop. Well it was never investigated and it obviously didn’t stop. I put up with work being taken off my desk, no one talking to me in the office, and childish things for so long. Then it got to the point that my cousin wouldn't talk to me when she came in to the department to work. That killed me because me and my cousin were so close. I just couldn’t believe that grown adults acted like this. My poor mom got phone calls everyday for 3 months at my lunch break with me crying begging her to let me quit. She always told me "your bigger than them and they cant handle it because people who work there would rather talk to you because your nice to them." I put up with it until the point that it was literally making me sick from the stress. I had a blessing one Sunday afternoon to help me decide what to do. I didn’t want to be a quitter and let them win I didn’t want to give them that satisfaction. Everyday on my way to work I would turn on Church songs on my IPOD and every time the song I Know My Redeemer Lives would come on and i would feel the spirit so strong during that song every time and start to cry.(in fact i still do to this day every time i hear it.) That was the last song I heard before I walked into my work the day I quit. As i sat down at my desk I got such a strong feeling that it was okay to quit that there was something so much better out there for me. So I went into my bosses office and put my 2 weeks notice in. I had no idea what I was going to do for work to pay my bills but I knew the Lord had something so much better planned for me. That afternoon my boss came in and asked me to go with her and she told me they were paying me out my 2 weeks and to go home. I was so happy to out of that "Hell Whole". I went home and was so scared thinking "what am I going to do for money I have 3 months saved up for bills but that’s it." When I got home I told myself "you have to put your big girl pants on and deal with this head on and have faith everything will work out." I hated it at first not working I was bored the only good thing was I got to sleep in and I LOVE my sleep. The other bonus was I got to spend time with my niece almost everyday and I LOVED every minute of it. I had so many interviews the first 2 months but nothing was coming of it. One day (towards the end of the second month) I was watching my niece and she had just fallen asleep for her daily 2-3 hour nap. I got a phone call from a place I had interviewed with and The company told me they decided to go with someone else and I hung up the phone and lost it, I started to cry for the first time during being unemployed. At that point my niece started to cry I went over to get her out of the playpen and she put her head on my shoulder and laid there. ( Tenley is not a snugly baby at all) I know that that was the Lords way of comforting me at that time. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason but I couldn’t figure out why I was still unemployed and why no one was hiring me. I know now that it was because I wasn’t as close to my brother Cooper and my sister in law Whitney as I needed to be and that I wasn’t as close to the Gospel as I needed to be. I have been taught my whole life that paying Tithing is so important but I never did it. So the money I was making tending my niece I made sure I paid my tithing with. I paid it 2 times and interviewed with a company was offered a full time job at a company in American Fork. It is one of the best jobs I have had. The benefits are amazing and the people are so nice. I also know that it is because of this lesson I was taught in Sunday School one week Cooper was teaching and he said "how many of you have been converted? Truly Converted?" At first I thought well I was baptized at 8 does that count? he said "I feel like I was truly converted when I went on my mission that’s when I knew for sure that the church was true." at that point I started to cry because I realized I had been put through this trial to be truly converted to the church and to have it testified to me that I am doing the right things now and knowing that I will not settle for anything less than a Temple Marriage. Where before I just thought of it as if that’s what the guy wants a Temple marriage I will do it. It wasn’t a must for me. My mom asked me one day "if you could go back in time and just not say anything and not have stood up for the church would you?" Without hesitation I said "NO". In Alma 7:11-12 it says, And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. This scripture always came to me when I was going through the last few months that I was never alone. Not only did I have my family and friends standing beside me but I had the Lord standing beside me too. I have a key chain on my car keys with the footsteps poem on it. It says: Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, we would walk side by side through life, but when I needed you most, I only saw one set of footprints in the sand. The Lord replied "I love you and would never leave you during your times of trials and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you." I often would look at that poem during work hours and know even though I felt alone at work and wanted to quit I was never truly alone. I have learned so much about myself during the last few months i can truly say i have a strong testimony of the Gospel. I can 100% say i know the church is true. I know that I was never alone during the past 6 months of trials. I know that when we put all our trust in the Lord it may take time to see what is going to happen but it will happen the way the Lord wants it to happen. I know prayer is so powerful I know that without prayer and faith i would never have gotten through this trial. I believe that you cant truly pray and mean it without faith and you cant have faith without prayer. They go hand in hand. I am so grateful for the men in my life who are worthy priesthood holders. So that when the time comes they can give me a blessing. I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES!!! I am so grateful for those in my life and those who stood beside me through this time. I know some thought it was stupid of me to quit before having another job but when you get the strong feeling and knowing its what the Lord is wanting its okay to do. We just have to have faith and everything will work out!!

Everything happens for a reason

So 2 days after Thanksgiving i lost one of the best women i know. My Grandma Thomas was put in the hospital the day before Thanksgiving. As i woke up Thanksgiving day to be told about it i had a super hard time. I just thought i lost Grandma Karen less than 2 years ago you cant take Grandma Thomas too. I have never felt so helpless to someone i love so much as i did when i walked into the hospital room and saw her there. I hated to see my Grandpa and dad in so much pain knowing they were going to lose there wife and mother. i realized that nothing else in this world matters except what you believe in, and how you live. So many things have happened since i lost Grandma Thomas that i wish i could tell her. Driving home everyday and passing her house is one of the hardest things to do!! I am so grateful for the time i got to spend with her while she was here. I will miss her so much and i will miss hearing her say "you come back soon" as i would leave her house or at the Christmas party her yelling "Whack It Whack It" when we would swing at the pinta. I love her so much and i cant believe that both my grandma's are gone!! I am so lucky that i will be able to tell my kids about there AMAZING great grandma's and how they were both the most selfless women i ever knew!! I love you grandma Thomas and Grandma Karen I miss you both SO SO much!!!

FrIeNdS!!!

So lately i have been thinking about how life is to short to worry about the DRAMA or B.S. I realized you just have to put it behind you and worry about the important things such as FAMILY and FRIENDS! I have learned not to worry about what other people think of me, or if they like me. This past little while I have had somethings happen and I realized very fast which friends are REAL FRIENDS. Real friends are the ones who are there for the midnight phone calls, a shoulder to cry on, and to go get a Pepsi when you just need to talk. They aren't there only when it "BENEFITS" them or "PRETEND" to be there for you, but then when things get bad or don't "go the way they wanted" BAIL!! They are the one who people think "man they have got to be on something" or when it is quite and no one is talking and we just bust up laughing but no one knows why. They are the ones who will say "remember when......." and laugh for hours over it. True friends aren't considered "FRIENDS" they are considered "FAMILY" they are the ones you call and say "wanna go drive around and talk" but not a word is said and that's okay! They are the ones who say "who am i going to kill and why?" or "who's truck are we trashing?" They are the ones who when you get in trouble saying "DAMN, we messed up but it sure was fun, and I'm glad it was with you!

They are the type who when i say "I think I'm going to....." they will argue with me and not agree! They will say "will it really make you happy in the long run? Or just right now" They are the ones that we can go long periods of time not talking and pick up right where we left off with the laughs and all. They are the ones who we can yell at each other and within a few minutes or days we are talking and don't care what happened, because the past is the past!! I have been so lucky to have 2 of the best girls who i don't consider friends anymore i consider them SISTERS!! I love them and i am so grateful for everything they have done for me!! Especially this past few weeks. Thanks Nicole and Bailee you girls are the best i could never be where i am today with out you 2!!! They never make me feel worse although at times it may seem like they don't want things to happen and talk to me about it but they are just seeing the "whole picture" when i only see some of it (what i want). I love you girls more than you will ever know!!!

Life is to short

So this week has been a good but sad one. One year ago today i lost someone i look up to so much. She was the best Grandma anyone could ask for!!!! I miss her everyday and think of her everyday. I also lost a friend yesterday. Its so true what they say about the rodeo family... It doesnt matter how long it has been since we have last seen or talked to each other when a tragidy hits we all pull close together to get through the hard time. My heart goes out to the Baker famliy. Scotty you will be missed so much by many. You were always there for everyone and did anything for anyone. You had such a big heart. See you again someday!!

Listen to playlist #1

I did it

So i finally figured out how to do this bloging thing. After setting it up a year ago on accident i decided i would go ahead and start posting things. Im not going to be very good but hey i did it!